Eric's Blog About Books- Issue #3- John Dies at the End

John Dies at the End is the most horrifying, paranoia-inducing, soul-searing novel I have ever read. It's also pretty hilarious. Author David Wong manages to juggle stomach-churning terror and crude jokes without diluting either, so it never becomes a comedic novel about the supernatural nor a horror novel with comic relief (if you can follow that).

The concept of the novel is rather difficult to explain. That is, it's easy to give a general description of what happens, but when you just say it, it sounds kinda stupid. (I'm sure David Wong would agree with me on this one- he's refered to this book as "my retarded horror story.") You just don't get the same sense of latent horror by describing the situation as you do by reading it. None the less, I'll try. The basic plot is this: two slackers, Dave and the titular John, are at a party when John takes a new drug called Soy Sauce that allows normal humans to percieve and interact with the supernatural. Not the fun kind of supernatural, where all the wizards and vampires and werewolves act just like humans but with superpowers such as Harry Potter, Twilight, and so on. I'm talking about the H. P. Lovecraft kind of supernatural, where you find more and more evidence showing that the normal world is a fragile and broken delusion, where eldritch horrors, corruption, and the fear of the night reign supreme. I apologize for the melodrama of the last sentence, but something about this genre draws out the drama queen in me. After John takes the Soy Sauce and Dave is involuntarily exposed to it as well, they are drawn unwillingly into a fight against an other dimensional invasion by a elder god(ish) called Korrok, who has the sense of humor of an unsophisticated 13 year old boy.

Also, in between fighting various meat monsters, shadow men, resurrected neonazis, there's lots and lots of jokes. And there all crude, and about 98% of them are hilarious.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what John Dies at the End is. You have to see it for yourself.

Selected quotes:

" 'How does somebody get into this?' [she asked.]
'There was an incident,' [John] said. 'A series of incidents, I guess. A dead guy, another dead guy. Some drugs. It's kind of a long story. Now we can see things. Sometimes. I have a dead cat that follows me around, wondering why I never feed it. Oh, and I had one hamburger that started mooing when I ate.' He glanced at me. 'You remember that?'
I grunted, said nothing...
'I call it Dante's Syndrome,' John said. I had never heard him call it any such thing. "Meaning, I think Dave and I gained the ability to look into Hell. Only it turns out Hell is right here, it's all through us and around us and in us like the microbes the swarm through your lungs and guts and veins. Hey, look! An owl!'
We all looked. It was an owl, alright."

"Now, I wasn't there, so this story is hearsay. If you know John, you'll take the details for what they're worth. Please also remember that, where John claims to have 'gotten up at three thirty' to perform this investigation, it was far more likely he was still up and somewhat drunk from the night before."

Dave, talking to a reporter:
" 'Do you ever go to the bathroom late at night, Arnie, and for a second, just a split second, you glimpse something in the mirror other than your reflection? Then you turn the light on and, of course, everything's fine again. But for just half a second, maybe while you were leaving the room, you see out of the corner of your eye that isn't you in the mirror. Or maybe it is you, only changed? And what's looking back at you is something completely different? Something not very human?'
'Let's go back inside, okay? Your story was more interesting.'
'You're going to die, Arnie. Someday, you will face that moment. Regardless of what you believe, at that moment you will either face complete nonexistence, which is something you can't possibly imagine, or you will face something even stranger that you also can't possibly imagine. On an actual day in the future, you will be in the unimaginable, Arnie. Set your mind on that.'
Silence, for a few seconds. Arnie nodded a little.
'Okay.'
'Now, without turning your head, look at the box.'
Arnie did, recoiled, stumbled and finally fell on his ass.
'Oh, [shoot]!' he gasped. '[Shoot]!! What was the [shoot] is that?' "
(Seeing as this is a churchish blog, I edited the last for language. It hits harder with the profanity.)
I hope I managed to give you a feel for the book. Very few books can claim to have scare me, but this one most definitely succeeds. If you find any artistic value in genuine horror, and have any affection for the cruder side of humor, then this book is tailor made for you.